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If a person falls victim to scammers and transfers money to them or part with some other assets, they may feel very bad and blame themselves for everything. Sometimes this ends tragically, as in the case of former professor at Moscow State University Boris Boyarintsev or a 17-year-old student fromSt. Petersburg. Both committed suicide after transferring money to scammers. In this guide, we’ll tell you how to help your loved one who has been affected by malicious actions to cope with difficult emotions.
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Pay attention to warning signs
People who have been victims of scammers may feel ashamed to tell their loved ones about what happened. They may also be afraid of being considered incapable and being treated accordingly. Therefore, it is important to pay attention if your loved one has changed their habits, is always in a bad mood, communicates less than usual, and spends less money. If you notice these changes, try to find out what happened.
Don’t judge
It can be difficult for someone who hasn’t been involved in a fraudulent scheme to understand how someone could have believed what the criminals were saying. When the interaction with the perpetrators ends, the victim often struggles to comprehend why they didn’t suspect anything from the beginning. However, the reality is that millions of people fall victim to fraud every year. These people are of different ages, education, wealth, and social status.
Anyone can be deceived if they are caught at the right moment. Scammers may have access to your personal information that you are unaware of, and they can use this to gain your trust. They may also be skilled at manipulating and exploiting your emotions. As time goes on, new and more sophisticated fraudulent schemes emerge, and it is impossible to know about them all. In any case, the blame for what happened always lies with the perpetrators.
Despite this, people who have become victims of fraud may judge themselves harshly and fear public condemnation. Even if your first reaction is, “How could I have been fooled into this?” try to keep it to yourself, as it will not help your loved one. And then, if you look at the situation more objectively and realize that it’s not about the victim’s intellectual abilities, but rather about the scammers’ skills, you can express this to the person you care about. It may be important for them to know that you don’t judge them, that you’re not disappointed in them, and that you believe this could happen to anyone.
Talk to the person about how they’re feeling
As psychologist Valeria Fedoryak told the Bereg publication, people in such cases lose not only money, but also a sense of security and control. “This is especially painful for someone who believed that they were very intelligent and rational, which means that this couldn’t happen to them,” the psychologist explained.
A person may feel intense shame, guilt, anger, or depression, but they may not express their emotions openly. However, it is important to encourage them to talk about what happened and how they are feeling. “It is crucial to have someone to share this situation with, to complain to, and to receive support and understanding rather than judgment,” Fedoryak explained to Bereg.
But you don’t need to immediately refute what was said and downplay the significance of what happened: “Money is not the main thing”, “Forget it”, “Don’t worry” — these are all bad answers that supposedly forbid a person to feel what he feels. A person has the right to be angry and ashamed. If you accept these emotions and experience them, they can fade over time and cause less harm.
At the same time, you can express your position: “I understand that you feel ashamed, and that’s a very natural reaction. However, in my opinion, there’s nothing to be ashamed of, as the blame lies entirely with the fraudsters.”
Ask if the person is considering suicide
Yes, ask them directly. Many people fear that asking such a question might lead to suicidal thoughts, but this is not the case. If your loved one has suicidal thoughts, ask them to tell you more about them. Here’s what else you can do:
- tell the person that you need them, that you will be there for them;
- do not judge the person for these thoughts and do not try to devalue their pain (“it’s just money!”);
- do not express resentment (“I love you so much, but you don’t care”);
- insist that suicide is a bad decision (you can safely explain that it entails not only the grief of loved ones, but also other suicides — including if they were minors at the time of the parent’s suicide);
- remove everything from the house that can be used for suicide: weapons, pills, sharp kitchen knives;
- if possible, do not leave the person alone, especially at night;
- invite the person to see a doctor and help them find a suitable specialist (but if the situation is critical, call an ambulance);
- suggest calling a psychological help hotline. In Russia, there is no single phone number that all people in crisis situations can call. However, such assistance can be obtained in different cities. A list of some hotlines can be found here. These links (one, two) provide contact information for assistance specialists in other countries.
Help with legal and financial issues
Ask the person if they would like to contact the police and a bank. If so, help them do so (it’s best to contact the bank as soon as possible, although there’s still a slim chance of getting your money back).
Try to understand what information the fraudsters have access to. Suggest that your loved one change their phone number and email address. In any case, it’s best to block the fraudsters’ phone numbers and emails.
